


Invisible

by Ladyblanc_RU



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abandonment, Gen, High School, Jaskier | Dandelion Needs a Hug, Jaskier | Dandelion Whump, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, POV Jaskier | Dandelion, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:35:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28813536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyblanc_RU/pseuds/Ladyblanc_RU
Summary: There were times when Jaskier was bathed in love. But then something started to change. Everything had happened slowly. So slowly that at this point Jaskier couldn't even pinpoint when things went wrong. When his family became distant and almost stopped noticing him. When he became a shadow. And then completely invisible.
Relationships: Eskel/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Invisible

**Author's Note:**

> This was written on powerful emotions, and even after reading this thing out, I can't promise there aren't any mistakes. I apologize in advance for any of them.
> 
> Warning! I strongly recommend you not to read this if you have any sorts of triggers.

It was late into the night. Moon was shining dimly from her lonely prison in the skies. Numerous clouds were floating around, guarding the moon and not allowing more than enough light through their curtain. One of the clouds moved. A silver ribbon managed to pass through. It fell on the ground, creating a small path through the darkness. A shadow stepped on it. A person ran along the road, not looking around any more than was necessary. His steps were fast and sure, his mind focused only on one thing. Get home and get some rest.

The man stopped in front of one of the houses in a small village. He took his keys out, opened the door. Boots were shaken away in a hustle to get inside as quickly as possible to hide from the cold. There were other people inside, too. He could hear how they laughed and watched TV in the living room, talked with each other. It seemed like they didn't even notice that someone entered the house.

''I'm home!" the man shouted, announcing his arrival. Heavy coat now was safely hanging on a hanger, boots were forgotten at the entrance. No one answered his call. It was fine, his parents rarely answered. He got used to it. After all, it wasn't that hard to announce his presence. Much harder it would be if he didn't.

He walked by the mirror, stopping only to catch a small glimpse of his reflection on its perfect surface. He looked like shit. Even with his clothes sitting perfectly on his body and hair neatly combed, there was something that couldn't be hidden. Not under a bright smile which was still present on his face, nor with a small amount of makeup he started to use to hide hideous bags under his eyes. Tiredness. He was exhausted. With school finals coming in a few months and a ridiculous amount of courses he had to take to prepare for them, he couldn't catch a break to have enough sleep. Of course, there was a way. He could always leave one of his hobbies, though that wasn't an option either. His small writing sessions which he managed to fit in his crazy schedule were simply essential to keep him sane in that amount of work he had to do daily. And he wasn't about to sacrifice them, especially now.

Jaskier took a breath and made himself look away. He just needed to wait. Just one more moment and everything would be fine. Just a little bit longer. Completely ignoring his parent's conversations and other noises, Jaskier went for the stairs. He didn't even look at the living room. What was the point anyway? He neither could nor wanted to join his family. And he doubted they wanted either. Like a shadow Jaskier jumped from one stair to another, the whole thing creaked in a protest as he made his way up, then through the second floor to his room. A door closed behind him. A lock clicked the sound of it too loud in the room filled with silence. Jaskier leaned against the door, feeling how his knees slowly gave up under the weight of his own body. His is back slowly slid down to the floor. His fingers unclutched, letting go of a small bag filled with his extra English homework. His eyes closed. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Everything would be fine.

Just wait a little bit longer.

He took a shaky breath. It wasn't time to give up. Jaskier forced himself to stand up and take a step to his bed. It was uncovered for so long, he barely remembered when was the last time he made it. A rug he used to cover it with was lying on the floor, blankets were tangled in each other, while the only pillow he had was pathetically leaning against the wall. He fell on the bed and buried his face into soft sheets. His whole body now shivering violently. His eyes closed, hands grabbed one of the blankets. Warmth and comfort surrounded him like a shield, gently protecting him from reality. Sleep slowly reached out to him. It pulled Jaskier deeper into darkness, calming him and promising peace. Suddenly, he saw something.

_Jaskier was sitting on his bed in his mother's embrace. She softly murmured in his ears how much she loved him, how good he was to handling his first days in school so well. The boy leaned closer into the hug. He pressed himself against his mother's shoulder, breathing in a slight scent of the perfume she used even when they didn't need to go anywhere and just stayed at home. His small hands brought her closer. The boy could feel how warmth spread inside of him mixed with an overwhelming feeling of being protected. Of being wanted. All previous fears that his parents would forget about him while he was in school now were completely forgotten. It was almost as if they had never existed in the first place._

_"Mama," he sniffed looking up, right into his mother's warm blue eyes. Her glance was soft and full of life. Jaskier just wanted to disappear in it and never return. Truth be told, the boy didn't like reality much. People were cruel, his own classmates made fun of him and teachers expected him to behave in a certain way. It was much better to just sit here. Hugged closely by his mother, warm and protected, "you will always love me, right?"_

_"Always, Julian," the woman answered, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. Jaskier could feel how another weight just disappeared from his shoulders._

_The boy shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position, "Even if I won't be the best?"_

_His mother smiled widely. Her soft finger brushed another tear from his cheek, "Always, my flower. Nothing will change that."_

"Julian!" a sharp voice called from the first floor. There was none of that softence he just heard in his dream, no warmth in her words as she shouted for him. Jaskier barely lifted his head, his whole body suddenly too weak to move, "get down here this instant, the dishwasher is waiting for you!"

He cursed under his breath, somehow managing an affirmative answer in response. It was a bad idea to make his mother wait. It never ended well for him. No matter busy or not, he had to answer. And obey. With a groan he pushed himself from the comfort of his own bed, then all the way to the staircase. Jaskier quickly wiped away all the tears and made himself calm down if only for these couple of minutes. That way it would be better. No one would ask questions he wouldn't want to answer and explain himself. Well, not that anyone would even notice something was wrong. Because nothing was. He was fine. As he walked down the staircase, his elder brother's word popped up in his head. _Our parents raised us to fill and empty that dishwasher._ At that time those words seemed like a joke. Now, however, it almost felt like the truth.

Downstairs everything was just like from a picture. A happy family that enjoyed their evening after a hard day. He could see how his mother played with his younger brother, who was laughing loudly. His laugh was bright and clear, just like Jaskier's once used to be. Jaskier's father was also there. The man was sitting on the couch watching his wife play with the child, only occasionally moving his glance away to see what was shown on the TV. Jaskier walked to the dark kitchen. Not even turning the lights on, he started to work through the dishes. No one even noticed that he was there. His moves were quiet, all those years of practice finally paying off. With no sounds coming from him, Jaskier was practically invisible. His family continued with their evening routine as if nothing had happened. Like his mother hadn't called him from upstairs, like he wasn't walking around the kitchen, placing plates on their places, making small sounds here and there.

Like he wasn't even there.

He wasn't even surprised about this anymore. Years ago he might've tried to do something, though now it seemed more of a burden than a profit. There would be questions about his studies, another pack of demands and standards he tried so desperately to achieve but never really could. Jaskier was too tired to deal with those. Maybe another evening he would join them. Maybe then his parents would finally see that something was not right, that all he needed now was their support and not scowling at why he couldn't get that five for physics which he never understood. But he doubted that day would ever happen. He was just a shadow. Something that could be forgotten, that was not visible most of the time. After all, if things were fine, then he didn't even need all of that, right? Right? Then why did it feel like he could break without a single warm word?

Jaskier sighed wearily and continued with his task. Everything was fine. He had no right to wish for anything more. After all, his parents were amazing people. There was no question about that. They provided him with everything he wanted or needed, paid for his courses and extra lessons at school. He had never needed anything. For the past few years, he didn't even ask anything for his birthdays because he just had everything he could only wish for. Then why did he still felt empty inside? Jaskier couldn't understand why he felt cold and lonely, even around his family. Because his parents did love him, right? The most terrifying thing was that he didn't know anymore. It was clear as a day that they loved his younger brother. They smiled at him, read books, and watched cartoons. They praised and comforted him. And Jaskier? Jaskier was invisible and left out most of the time. He spent his days in his room, away from his family he once felt a part of. And when he did come down during his small breaks, there were no praises he so desperately wanted. More often than not, Jaskier was met with a skeptical glance and a request to be better. To be the best.

Tears found their way to his eyes again, but he pushed them away. The last plate was placed in its exact place, and Jaskier breathed out in relief. He could go back. Disappear again in his small shelter from those expectations and disappointed glanced his parents often shared. Catch a small break and then return to work. That was exactly what his parents wanted, didn't they? So he walked all the way back, still being unnoticed. Being quiet had sort of became one of Jaskier's habits. If you weren't there, then no one would try to have a talk with you, to punish you for not being at your best. For not being what his parents wanted him to be. He lowered his head and turned around to look one last time at his family. Sounds of their laughter became almost deafening. They ringed in his ears and made everything inside of him clench tightly. With another sigh, he forced himself to look away. He had work to do. ~~Even if he didn't want to do anything of that.~~

Jaskier walked into his room again. Turned the lights on, suddenly feeling even more exhausted than he did before. He decided against going straight to work and instead walked around his room. Perhaps he was looking for another piece of his past or another reminder of what he could've had but for some reason didn't. About what he had had and then somehow foolishly lost. As he was looking through the papers and different books on his table, one of a dozen pens rolled away and fell on the floor, all the way behind the table. Jaskier swore and pushed the thing aside. Behind it, he could see a bunch of small rubbish, the pen which started all of this, and a plush toy. A breath hitched in his throat. He carefully reached for it. His fingers brushed against a soft fabric, his heart clenched from a memory of this toys' origin.

_The front door opened, and a small figure rushed across a hall towards a man who entered the house with luggage in one of his hands. The boy jumped on him, loudly screaming and laughing as he hugged the man tightly in his arms. His father was gone for a couple of weeks to do some work in different cities and offices, and it was almost painful to be separated from him. The boy spent the last couple of hours watching through the window for a familiar car to show up. For it to just appear from around the corner and his father to finally return. Oh, he missed him so much! Jaskier pressed his face against his father's soft belly and screamed in delight when two strong hands lifted him. A kiss was pressed to his cheek._

_"And who do we have here?" his father asked, looking from upside-down at the boy. The man's grey eyes were sparkling with joy in semi-darkness, big palms petting Jaskier's hair, "you've gotten so heavy. Did you behave well while I was gone?"_

_Jaskier giggled and jumped high, "Yes, dad, yes! I had five for my biology class today, the teacher told us about water animals!"_

_The man laughed, reaching somewhere inside his pockets, "And did she told you about seals?" Jaskier nodded enthusiastically and earned another smile in return, "then I have a friend just for you," his father grinned, pulling a small toy out of his coat. A small white seal looked right at the boy, making Jaskier screech in happiness, "remember, son, whenever I'm gone, this very seal will remind you that I'm always here with you."_

_"Thank you! I love you, dad!" Jaskier shouted, hugging his father closely. His dad was the best in the world! No one would beat him!_

_His father smiled, bringing him closer, "I love you too."_

Jaskier sobbed loudly, hugging the toy closely to his chest. It was old and dusty, its pelt not white anymore, turned grey from months it had probably spent behind that table. He didn't care about that. Jaskier crawled all the way under the table, holding the seal tightly and slowly melting in all those days he spent with this toy, waiting for his father to return. To return from his work trips, hug him closely, and tell just how much he loved his son. How much he loved Jaskier. And this toy always worked. Whenever he felt sick or afraid, whenever he felt lonely he would hug this toy, and everything bad would just go away. It had always worked. But not this time. Why? Why wasn't it working? Why was he still sitting alone under the table, sobbing his heart out while the very man he craved to see again was sitting exactly beneath Jaskier? Why did it felt like his father was miles away, even though only a thick layer of floor divided them?

He didn't remember when was the last time he spent time with his family, neither when he was hugged by someone. Hell, he hadn't even seen his friends and boyfriend in months. With his school canceled and having all lessons at home from the safety of his own room, Jaskier hadn't seen many people. And it was slowly showing on him. While he was trapped alone, there was no one to distract him. To save him from feeling like he was nothing. They were gone. Gone like his hopes to get away, to become whole again. To feel something aside from constant tiredness and fear of failing. Of being alone. Jaskier could feel how walls were slowly pushing in, how the room became smaller and smaller, while he continued to sit under the table holding to a toy like it was his whole life.

Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was all he had left from those times when everything was fine, great even. When his parents were smiling and supporting him. When they were encouraging and not pushing him to become someone he wasn't sure he even wanted to be. Jaskier missed those times. Missed hearing gentle voices talk to him. Missed his father's laughter and funny stories from his time at University. Missed his mother's touches and her smiles. Missed feeling like... Like he was someone. Like he was important.

Like he was visible.

It seemed like a cruel twist of fate. The walls of a place Jaskier once associated with safety were now squishing him under their weight, not allowing him to take a deep breath. The people he once relied on and used to look up to now left him alone at the times when he needed them the most. Was it was something he did? He did know. Maybe if he finished his year with all fives and get to a top University, they would come back? Maybe if he got that medal his mother so wanted to see in a list of his achievements, she would finally say that she was proud of him? Jaskier didn't know. He didn't know anything at this point. Only this room where he could spend weeks on end studying his life away, where he actually mattered something, where he was someone. This was how things were. And they were completely fine, yes? At least it seemed fine. Hours of working, of worrying over every mark or word anyone said at him. This is how others lived, right?

Jaskier coughed loudly. His hand automatically went to his face to cover his mouth. He couldn't let them know. Couldn't ruin this normality. Because that was how it should be. How he was supposed to feel. That emptiness inside him was okay, and that feeling of his eyes being filled with sand was too. Suddenly, his phone vibrated in his pocket. With shaking hands, one of which still held to that toy seal, he fished his smartphone out of the pocket. Its screen was blurred from tears on Jaskier's eyes. He wiped them away with his arm and pressed on the screen to unlock it. He was fine. Everything was...

_Eskel: Hey, Jaskier. You haven't been online in a while, is everything alright?_

He looked at the message, feeling everything inside him scream the correct answer, how some force made his trembling fingers reach for the keyboard. 'Things are fine.' he wanted to write. Really, Eskel didn't need to worry about him. Jaskier really loved him and wouldn't dare to make the man worry. After all, he was nothing. And surely no one should worry over nothing.

As if hearing his thoughts, another message arrived.

_Eskel: I can tell something is off. You don't reply to my messages, ignore phone calls._

A wave of guilt washed over Jaskier. He didn't mean to. He didn't want to make Eskel...

_Eskel: I love you, Jask. And I miss you so fucking much. I hate to be away from you. Just tell me what's up. I can't bear seeing you fade away like this._

Jaskier looked dubiously at the screen, his previous train of thoughts interrupted. Without thinking much, his fingers pressed to the screen, typing an answer as fast as he only could before his brain could really think about stopping him.

_Jaskier: I'm not fine. I'm stuck in this work, and with every day I feel like I'm not even here. I... I don't even know what to do! I need you, Eskel. I can't do this alone anymore._

He looked in horror at the message he had just sent. A million thoughts went through his head, all agreeing that he shouldn't have sent it. Jaskier thought about writing everything off as a joke, but a mere moment later, the phone buzzed in his hand. A picture of Eskel smiling appeared on his screen, as everything inside of Jaskier slowly crumbled and fell. Someone cared. He... He wasn't invisible. Someone could actually see him. Someone actually wanted him. Jaskier pressed the button and placed the phone to his ear. As Eskel's raspy voice asked him worryingly how he could help, where did he need to come, Jaskier just sat there for a minute. Just listening. For the first time in months, he felt better. There were so many feelings inside his chest, all fighting for his attention, while Eskel was still there at another end of the line waiting for his response. Sadness and loneliness, joy, and happiness. Jaskier laughed wetly, closing his eyes. And started talking. Started telling about everything he had to face during these months, how lonely he had felt, how he had argued with his parents and had always been pushed down by them. With every word, Jaskier could feel how he was getting lighter, how the hole in his life was finally filling with the warmth of his love and Eskel's support.

Jaskier wasn't fine. He could finally understand that.

But it could be. He just had to wait a little bit longer.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. This work was written while listening to the album Hurts 2B human by P!nk. I recommend listening to it, those songs are truly something.
> 
> In the end, I want to say that if you also feel like no one notices you, I'm with you. It's hard to be invisible, I know it is. But you have to remember that there are people out there who still see and value you. Talk to them, tell them how you feel. Don't bottle everything inside until you can't hold it anymore. Things can be tough, and talking to others might not help you. Or not entirely. However, as long as you are ready to fight, you're bound to get better.


End file.
